Dear Doctor Dysphoric:

Dear Doctor Dysphoric:

Is it true that topical dog urine is an effective cure for warts?

--Don't like dermatologists


Dear Don't like Dermatologists:

I understand your dislike of dermatologists. I generally resent them too, because I can never get my patients in to see them. They also have a much better quality of life than we do; they make more money, and they do not have to deal with the stress, headaches, and paperwork that define the life of a primary care doctor. Have you noticed that gay men and heavily made-up women with high heels and fancy purses are overrepresented in the field of dermatology? This is just my observation, of course, and is not based on a scientific analysis of the dermatologic demographic.

Warts are caused by the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV). They are not dangerous. They often will go away without treatment, but it often takes months or even years. For patients who just cannot wait, dermatologists will gladly remove them in exchange for the bulk of your bank account. They freeze them off using liquid nitrogen, burn them off with a hand-held instrument, or cut them off with a blade. Another option is to repeatedly coat the warty surface with a liquid Salicylic Acid (e.g. Compound W).

That is all a tangent, of course, to distract you from the fact that I have no clue how to answer your question. Dog urine on warts? Are you kidding me? They don't teach us this kind of practicality in the fancy upper Manhattan College of Physicians and Surgeons that stole my youth. I suspect we lack well-designed clinical trials that look at this question. I may be able to find the answer in ancient apothecary texts or transcriptions of shaman oral histories. I will look. Until then, please leave your warts alone, or suck it up and go to the dermatologist.

--Doctor D